CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Glaring at Starry, I yelled, “This is nuts! So far I’ve stabbed myself in the heart, was given an overdose of opium, got stoned to death, and now drowned in a sack. That’s it. No more re-living my past lives. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS! Just let me go get my new parents.”
Starry, surrounded in a brilliant light, had a grin on her face, as she told me, “Calm down. Calm down. Pretend you are taking ten deep breaths.”
Raising my open hands to each side of my face, I shouted, “NO! I am finished with this.”
“But..but, you’re doing so well. I’m truly proud of your progress. You’ve learned so much.”
“Maybe you are. I’m not. Unless you can guarantee that the next life is a happy one…well, as I already said, I. Am. Done.”
Silence.
“Here’s today’s word: c o m p a s s i o n.”
She blinked several times.
“Okay. Okay. Okay. But sometimes I don’t think you understand how hard it is do deal with all the feelings. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take them out on you…not anymore.”
Sighing I asked, “Did I ever have a life that wasn’t tension filled or didn’t end in violence?”
“Yes, of course, you did.”
“Any of them listed on that blasted chart?”
“Maybe.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Stop being…what ever…you’re being. Just tell me, yes or no.”
“Possibly.”
“I mean it. Don’t play games with me, Starry. I’m not in the mood.”
“You have been through a lot. Why don’t you go visit with Adam? He’s still missing you—more than you would have ever imagined and his manly man facade has crumbled.”
Still upset, I snarled, “See Adam! After what I just went through with him? No, I couldn’t face him. He believed it was me who did that…”
“Come on, he was doing some things that involved…risks. And besides, what happened was hundreds of years ago. Both of you have lived many lives between then and now.”
“No. You can’t distract me with the thought of seeing Adam or any other…” Other what, I wondered.
Confused, I was silent for a moment, then said, “I don’t care if I come back as a rock, I’m not doing this any more.”
As she shook her head the sparkle around her spread like confetti over both of us. “Don’t be silly. You can’t reincarnate as a rock, plant, or animal. That was some nonsense made up by a Brahman to control a student that got out of hand. It isn’t true.”
“Well, I still don’t want to re-live any more lives.”
Still all a twinkle, she said, “You did so well—not making changes and noticing the bad actions—that you’ve been given more parent options again.”
“You told me that after I killed myself in Uruk. Why exactly, does that matter?”
“There are different types of DNA being made available. Possibly you’ll have less chance of getting that arthritis in your joints that gave you so much pain in your last life.”
“Well, yes, that would be good.” I said, frowning in thought.
Feeling less upset and placated at the thought of not having pains in my joints ever again, I felt more like talking about the life just re-lived. “You know, my mother said she would save me. She didn’t save me from drowning in Istanbul, but she did in my last life. I was a child, no older than nine, when I got pulled into a rip-tide. She couldn’t swim and was terrified of water. Still, she went into the ocean and dragged me out.”
“Yes, I remember that.”
“And another thing, my mother, in her last incarnation, said she didn’t trust Adam…Rustem. I thought she was jealous. Of Adam, that is, but, now I’m thinking it might have been some soul knowledge. Knowing she did something terrible and was nervous about him—his soul—remembering it. What do you think?”
Starry shook her head back and forth as she said, “Not soul knowledge. Maybe something bleeding through to her etheric body from her astral body.”
“Jeezlouise, Starry, what does that mean?”
“Okay, you remember about that Kirlian photography? How the etheric body can be seen around a physical body.”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of?” She laughed.
Brows raised, I started to say something, looked at her, and we both burst out laughing.
Still smiling, she said, “Imagine the energy bodies as if they were a set of clear, see-through, Russian dolls, each inside the other. First there is the physical body, next the etheric, then the astral, surrounded by the mental, and finally the causal.”
“So, what you’re saying is I’m the etheric body, you’re the mental body, and we share the astral body between us like an emotional sandwich. I’ve got the physical body on the other side of me and you’ve got the causal stuff on your other side?”
“Yes, that is correct.”
My head bobbled up and down in excitement that I’d gotten it right. “Another question: Why didn’t I recognize many of the people in Jerusalem? I recognized almost everyone in Istanbul.”
“It has to do with the lesson people are learning. The lesson will connect you…anyone to the life. Especially, if you were able to truly learn with them in another shared life. Or, of course, if there is…”
“Don’t say it, karma.”
“Uhuh.”
“You said that I’ll have less chance of getting arthritis because of my new DNA option, so it’s not true that resentful thoughts cause things like that in a person’s body?”
Starry’s aura flashed. “Oh, no, no, thoughts start the process of everything that happens in a physical body.”
“Yeah? Okay, right.” Trying to keep up with my fast flowing thoughts, I said, “Anyway, all the fearful stuff the women writing those scrolls were trying to stop from being spread in the DNA didn’t work. Did it?”
“They were right and they were wrong. So no, not really. They didn’t realize their fearful thoughts were affecting the DNA that wasn’t already full of fear. Each individual’s thoughts affect DNA. The stronger the emotional impact, the faster the DNA alters.”
“Oh, is that why you told me not to think bad thoughts about those people who brought our house? That it’s okay to explain what you know and feel in a mentally detached way, but if you try to get even, teach someone a lesson to force understanding on an emotional—passionate—basis you can alter the DNA.”
“Yes, and create karma between you and them.”
Then I heard Adam grumble, “It’s been thirty-five days since that cow left me.”
My cheeks filled with air that I blew out slowly, “Oh great. He’s still into anger.”
“He really has been missing you. You two were so happy together. That must mean he doesn’t remember your past-life difficulties.”
“All right. I hope he’s asleep when I turn back. I’d like to explain some things to him. I need to tell him I didn’t do that…it will make me feel better.”
His new house had more of a lived-in feel to it. I still had to pick my way through lots of unpacked boxes. The TV volume was low. He was sitting at his breakfast bar, had a plate smeared with bits of bacon and eggs in front of him, and was speaking with someone on the telephone.
While he chatted away, I looked around the rooms of the house. It was masculine looking, but he’d brought some of my things to give it a tiny feminine feel, too. I felt a flutter where my heart would be, as I stared at the small stained glass statue of an angel he’d given me early in our relationship. He’d told me, I was his angel.
Soon, I felt his presence. His head was cocked in my direction, looking puzzled, when he asked, “Is that you, are you here?”
I let my emotions guide me. “Yes, it’s me.”
Moving over to my essence, he picked up the little angel, put it to his cheek for a moment, then replaced it onto the shelf, and turned away. He walked back to his TV and couch filled room, sat down, and put his face into his hands.
I followed, sat next to him, gently touched his arm, and started speaking. “I’m sorry. I know you’re angry with me. But Adam, let me explain something. You and I have lived many life-times together. In the past, it seems there were misunderstandings between us. I got the wrong idea about you in one and you then got the wrong impression about me in another.”He sighed.
Giving his arm a light squeeze, I continued, “I was arrogant in the first instance and I was naïve in the second one. It’s hard to know how to be sure of myself and trust other people while being blind to what’s going on. It’s also difficult to trust that other people—those I care about the most—can make decisions that may not appear to be right…even if they are right. We don’t remember that some actions aren’t what they appear to be…in the long run.”
He sighed again, got up and went to clear away the dirty dishes. As soon as they were in the dishwasher, he picked up and dialed the telephone. Within seconds he started speaking to someone.
Watching for a few moments, I decided he wasn’t receptive to what I wanted to tell him, so turned back to the Bardo.
Starry looked pleased with herself when she asked, “Did it help to tell him?
Pursing my lips, I answered, “No. I don’t think so.” Then smiled as I added, “I feel better though. I’ll try again another time. So where to next?”
Eyes fluttering, she asked, “You decided to re-live another life. What changed your mind?”
“I’d like to find out something more and get back to try to speak with Adam…soon. He won’t be in this life I’m going to re-live next, will he?”
“You know I can’t tell you that.”
Shrugging, I told her, “You said Adam and I had many life-times between Istanbul and my last life…it’s a hunch of mine that we weren’t in them together, and you confirmed it right now.”
“You tried to trick me.”
Blinking rapidly, I said, “Gosh, I hope not. I don’t like that sort of thing. I always feel my choices have been taken away when I’ve been misled or manipulated.”
She shook her head at me. “You have a bad habit of asking a few questions, then coming to incorrect conclusions because they are based on incomplete information.”
There was a thoughtful frown on her face when she said, “But I am going to give you some extra information about the life you are about to re-live. It starts out in Spain in 1484. You’ll travel to Britain, France, and the Netherlands before it ends in 1534.”
My waving arm shot up, looking much like a student desperate to get the teacher’s attention. “Wait, that can’t be right. I was just living a life in Istanbul from 1522 until 1538. I can’t be living in all those countries at the same time.”
Starry gave me her you’re acting like an idiot look before saying, “Time is not real. As I’ve told you, time in a construct used on earth because it’s convenient.”
“Oh yeah. Is that what people mean when they say everything is happening at the same time?”
“Yes. Sort of, but it isn’t, because there is no time. Remember everything is pure energy. How it’s put into a form…well, that’s based on what people believe. People believe in time. Do you understand?”
“No. Not really, but I’ll take your word for it—for now.”
Her outline was going in and out of sharp focus when she said, “Remember, you can return whenever you want to. When things start to heat up, well, just come back here.”
“Heat up?”
“Yes, if things get too hot to handle.”
Eyeing her with suspicion, I asked, “Are you telling me I’m going to get into a situation I won’t be able to handle? Or, is it something else? A hint of what’s coming up?”
She was still smiling, but her sparkle flared out a little. “I’m not hinting, I’m offering legitimate guidance.”
I said, “Uhuh,” but thought, I bet Abigail is in this life-time, adding quickly out loud, “Don’t forget, I’m asking for your guidance.”
There was the roar. The flash was bright, but of a dull brown, almost bronze color, before it settled into looking like the air after a storm.
I felt drawn to a house, situated well off the public street that reminded me of the palace in Istanbul. The architecture that is, all of the arches, fountains, and courtyards. Passing right through a door without it being opened, I saw the sheen of gold and silver. The carpets were deep and there were rich tapestries on several walls.
I heard a woman grunting, as I was being quickly pulled deeper into the house and straight to a large room where the tall windows covered by heavy velvet drapes were pulled tight against the night. Many candles burned in numbers of candelabras, as well as single candle sticks placed on every bureau, giving the features of the huge crucifix on the wall at the head of the bed a lurid gleam.
A young woman clutched the knots at the ends of long braided cloths attached to the upper bed posts as she strained to push her child into the world.
“Get her out of here!”
One woman turned to an older one, saying, “You take her, I must stay with my daughter.”
The woman she’d spoken to took hold of a toddler’s hand, hurrying her out the door. “Blanca, you must let your mother bring your new brother to you.”.........